Myth Check: "Desire Should Always Be Spontaneous, and Equal"

The myth

Films and TV often show desire as a sudden urge that arrives on its own, for both partners at once. If that is not your experience, it is easy to think something is wrong.

Two kinds of desire

• Spontaneous desire: wanting sex seemingly out of the blue, before any touch or closeness.
• Responsive desire: desire that builds after intimacy has started, in response to touch, closeness, or a partner's interest.
• Sex researchers have described models in which, especially in long-term relationships, people may begin intimacy for reasons like wanting closeness, and desire follows arousal.

What the research shows

In a survey of more than 3,600 women, about 31% of those who became aroused easily said they usually or always felt desire only after they were already aroused. Women in longer relationships were more likely to start sex without feeling desire at first.

Responsive desire is not only a women's experience. Interviews with men in long-term relationships found their desire was strongly shaped by the relationship, such as feeling wanted by their partner and emotionally close.

Desire also tends to change over a long relationship, and partners rarely want sex at exactly the same times. That is normal, not a sign of a broken relationship.

What this means for couples

• Not feeling desire 'out of nowhere' does not mean you lack desire.
• Being open to closeness, without any obligation to continue, can give responsive desire room to appear.
• Responsive desire is never a reason to pressure a partner. Willingness to start must be freely given, and either of you can stop at any time.
• If low desire bothers you, a doctor can check for causes such as stress, relationship problems, or medicines.